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IKEA wins the Pride Month Wokest Joke Corporation Prize…

Hands Down… Or perhaps Hands Out? Up? Reaching?

Ikea released a bunch of one-off Pride Love Seats – technically, IKEA Canada – all based on the various and sundry Pride Flags (Mental Illness Identifiers (

One of them looks like a Rorschach Ink Blot Test – it’s the “Gender Fluid” Love Seat. Tell me what you see, They/Them? I see Father O’Malley, drunk on Altar Wine, coming to get me while I’m changing into my Altar Boy gown!...

One of them looks like a gaping Purple, White, and Black vagina is opening up on top of it – that’s the “Asexual” Flag Love Seat. WTF is “Asexual”? Well – if it’s people with zero sexual interest in anybody regardless of sex or gender, then making a vagina couch for them seems to be a hate crime to me.

Another divan comes with its own bondage equipment – have fun with that, “Non-Binary” people, this one’s for you!

Yet another love seat looks like a technicolor Holstein cow was slaughtered, skinned, and laid over a frame – that would be the Pink-Blue-Yellow “Pansexual” couch, for people who love Peter Pan, or perhaps the Pan Flute, or… I don’t know… I’m not up to speed on all the new deviant behaviors…

By far, the BEST – and by best, I mean the most hideous, nightmare-inducing sofa – is the Bisexual edition. It’s a barf-splatter of bright pink and blue with purple in the background, and if you look closely, the splatters are all in the shape of human hands, reaching – clawing – out of the couch. Even better, it has “redrum”-like scribbles on the back pads that proclaim “when you changed OR to AND” on the left and “nobody believes you” on the right.

But the pièce de résistance of this Bisexual, bi-polar, psychotic episode are the arms: Literal human arms are clutching, grasping, and seizing your poor, unrepentant soul and dragging it off to hell. Yes – the “Bi” couch has literal plastic-y human arms coming around the sides and the… arms?... of the furniture. Yeah: Sleep tight! Imagine dozing off watching TV and waking up to see a few arms grasping at you…

As one Twitter comment stated – what the hell do you do if you pick somebody up and you go back to their place and find one of these beauties! Simple – you run like hell.

Congrats IKEA – you win the Syrup of Ipecac Trophy for 2021. By the way - they snuck in a new disorder: "2S" - IKEA Canada is celebrating "2SLGBTQ+" - the "2S" is for "Two Spirits" which is what the Native Canadians called their LGBTQ people... Make a note of it...

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